Tale of a Thanatophobic

For someone who remembers being scared of death for the longest time possible ,it's new to me that the idea of death doesn't scare me as much as I thought it did. I hate funerals. I hate the tears , the sadness the desperate cries and loud noises . I hate the breaking of hearts upon realisation that nothing is ever going to be the same anymore. I hate the moment they see the deceased and burst into a fit of unexplained emotions. Every death that happens breaks my heart . You dont even have to be someone I know , you dont have to be anything or anybody and yet with every death that happens I feel this part of my heart aching for them. Everything about funerals has been nothing but pain for all I could see.

Growing up , every now and then I've lost some people on the way. They're not dead , they're just not there in my life anymore. And every single time they left abruptly without an explanation or reasoning I felt heart broken and then I thought about death. Isnt it exactly the same way how death happens? One day you're there and the next day you're just not there. It's almost as if you're a character in someone's dream and when they wake up , you simply cease to exist.

Somewhere deep down maybe I knew that one day we are all going to die. One day you will simply not wake up . But on the other hand i have never ever truly understood how one can take ones life? I felt anger and rage towards those who decided on taking their life. How can you ever want to stop living ? For someone who had so many troubles accepting the fact that death is real and one day by mistake you're definitely dying , the concept of taking my own life seemed bizarre and extremely unlikely .

As time went by and I was going up the age ladder there came a time when I began thinking about death in depth. I remember I was 14 years old. For the first time in my life the thought about death creeped into my head. For the first time in my life I decided that the world would have been a better place if I didnt exist. As much at the thought surprised me because for someone who was always scared of death , was I actually beginning to think that it was better to die than to face the pain that I'm going through?

I have always been an over reactive person. I've always let my emotions guide and me and more often than always I have been hurt at various points in time. And to be brutally honest

I have wished to die more than I have ever wished to live in my life by this point. I wouldn't say I'm not scared of death because I still am . I am scared by The uncertainty of it , by it's bad timing , by the pain of it , by the thought that I can no longer be around the people I love and so much more.

The only difference that has happened over time is that ive realised people who take their lives arent cowards, because I have been at various points in my life when death seemed like a better option than life itself but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Have I thought about dying plenty of times ? Yes I have . Will I ever take my own life ? Probably not. People who decide to take their lives have experienced the highest threshold of pain and it breaks my heart that maybe if one person ever told him or her that they're not alone in their pain , that everything they experience isnt the first time it's happening and all will be okay soon , maybe they'd be here with us today.

When we talk about death and the idea of some not having enough of life, and some choosing to end it wilfully , we just have to remember that we dont know what they've been through and what their story is. I'm not saying I support taking one's life , all I'm saying is if anyone at all has taken the decision to end their life and actually had the will to do it also, we have no right to judge them or interpret their story.

The whole ideology of life and death is rather ones own interpretation of it. What it means to me will certainly and most definitely not be what it means to some others and that's okay. The only thing is to live your life on your terms and let others live theirs . We only see what other people choose to show us. And all it takes is a moment, we are all hanging on to this inch of faith on this thread called life and any moment , any time it can break and we are all nothing but memories.

Ciao.